Kingdom Hearts World Tour
by Chatting Airborne
Summary: Things get salty when the KH gang reunites to perform a script written by Olette and 'edited' by Ansem. When the situation gets too spicy to handle, though, Olette embarks on a new quest: to manage her friends' band. Lazy writing, demands to the writer, and tripping through the internet ensue.
1. The Play

**This is a very short fan fiction (compared to my last one). I wrote it in play format, because I thought that that would add to the comedy, rather than trying to insert verbs, and adjectives and all that jazz. Hopefully you laugh a lot while you read it. I had fun writing it. Enjoy!**

Characters: Roxas Xion Namine Axel Ansem Sora Riku Kairi Larxene Yuffie Aqua Ven Aerith

_Lights come on in small conference room; Ansem rubs hands together and opens the door to the room. Axel, Olette, Pence, Hayner, Riku, Kairi, and Roxas enter room. Everyone begins to look awkwardly at one another._

**Ansem: **Please, please, everyone sit down _(beckons to chairs, characters begin to sit down) _good, good… very good…_ (Creepy laughter ensues- exit room). _

**Olette: **Alright everyone, Ansem's gone so I guess that I'm in charge of this little shindig now. Uh, you with the red hair, what's your name again?

**Axel: **_(nervously, twiddling thumbs) _I'm Axel… am I that forgettable?

**Pence: **You should have just asked him to talk, then his name would have been before the colon and you wouldn't have had to ask him about it.

**Axel: **_(looking around room for an empty chair) _is this chair taken?

**Olette: **Yes. If you haven't noticed I'm sitting in it.

**Axel: **Terribly sorry- is this seat taken?

**Pence: **Yeah.

**Axel: **_(filled with anxiety) _is there any seat that hasn't been taken?

**Hayner: **No.

**Axel: **Fine then. I guess that I can just sit on the floor. _(Seats himself in corner)_

**Olette: **Okayyy… Now, onto what we're really here for… _(Picks up packet of papers) _Wait, where are Ms. Namine, Larxene, Fuu, Aqua… where is everyone else besides who's here right now?

_(Everyone in room shrugs, then the door slams open, rest of party walk in. Xion is dressed in gangster clothes; Namine is wearing an expensive silk dress with Pomeranian puppy in handbag, Sora looks really angry, everyone else is normal)_

**Namine: **_(English accent) _I have arrived. Please inform us what we're here for.

**Olette: **Okay, I decided that I'd write a play and get us all together again to perform it, like the olden days when we used to work together on the set of Kingdom Hearts.

**Namine: **God rest its tired old soul.

**Olette: **Sure. Anyway, Ansem kindly let me borrow his computer to type the whole thing up, but I had to promise to him that I'd take some of his suggestions if he let me use the program.

**Kairi: **Okay, that sounds fine, can we start reading the script? Who's who, may I ask?

**Olette: **I think that the cast list is typed in the back. Ansem helped me choose, so… it was kind of a collaborative effort. But, we just couldn't figure out a name for the whole thing yet.

**Roxas: **Oh, awesome. I'm the narrator. Okay, I'll start off reading… 'Once upon a time, there was a young girl who dawned a red cape in memory of the day she started her period- the mark of her becoming a woman… I can't read this anymore.

**Kairi: **Gee, Olette- **you **wrote this?

**Olette: **Like I said before- it was a collaborative effort between me and Ansem.

**Fuu: **by 'collaborative', do you mean that Ansem talked as you typed? Very collaborative, Olette.

**Olette: **Shut up, Fuu. Side characters don't need to infuse their opinions into these matters.

**Fuu: **Ha. You're no main character yourself.

**Xion: **Shut up both o' you. Guess who got cast in Kingdom Hearts 'cause o' their bangin' performance in Final Fantasy! Ohhhh!

**Fuu: **You weren't in Final Fantasy, stupid.

**Xion: **Helllll to the yeah! I was Yuffie. They made me wear brown contacts fo' that role. And I got a slight tan fo' Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days.

**Aqua: **You two don't look _that _alike.

**Kairi: **It's called a finely tuned computer program. Special Effects…

**Roxas: **_(to Olette) _hey, you know how we need a title for this?

**Sora: **_(angrily) _let's just call it 'Little Red Riding Hood' because basically, it's the same damn thing as the original story!

**Roxas: **Nah, I got a better idea. How about 'Little Red ridin' in da' hood? Eh eh? _(Looks over at Xion in admiration). _

**Xion: **Boy, you look like you just got back from _fightin' _in da' hood. What's wrong with yo' pants?

**Roxas: **What, you mean these tan things?

**Larxene: **Don't cowboys wear them? I've never met a real cowboy before… are you a real cowboy?

**Riku: **Gosh Larxene, it's just sad how stupid you are in real life.

**Larxene: **I don't dwell on the over rated things in life.

**Aqua: **what, like a brain?

**Roxas: **_(brightly) _I'm still cool, though- right Xion?

**Xion: **Whatevah'.

**Aqua: **Okay, can we just get to the script? Who plays who?

**Olette: **Okay, Aerith plays Red's mother. Aqua is Aerith's friend who looks after Red after Aerith dies. Axel is the wolf, and Xion and Kairi are sisters, and also happen to be Red's best friends. Namine is the fairy grandmother. Riku is the wood cutter. Fuu is the wood cutters sister. Basically, every other person involved is on one of two teams. The woodcutters or the wolves. Terra, Pence, and Leon are wolves. Larxene and Hayner are the woodcutters.

**Namine: **_(gasps) _I'm a granny in this?

**Roxas: **A fairy granny.

**Olette: **A fairy granny who is 'forever beautiful' according to this. She has also fallen ill from eating 'nasty shrooms.'

**Namine: **_(poshly, sarcastically) _my, what talent you have in writing.

**Xion: **stuff it, princess.

**Olette: **guys, can we please get back on subject? We need to start reading the play out loud. Okay, we all have our characters, right? Axel, please stop twiddling your thumbs.

**Roxas: **he has the confidence of an awkward giraffe.

**Riku: **_(knowingly)_Idiot. Animals can't feel- so how can they display emotions?

**Namine: **_(shielding Pomeranian) _you are either a sick young man, or a fool.

**Kairi: **It's the latter.

**Riku: **It is so the former!

**Larxene: **Oh my gosh, he is smart! He _just _used 'former' in a sentence! Oh my gosh, so did I!

**Aqua: **_(sarcastically) _Yay! Let's get out the awards!

**Roxas: **Guys, I'm just gonna start. Axel can twiddle his thumbs as much as he wants, I don't care if he looks stupid.

**Xion: **I'm sensing jealousy over in hur…

**Roxas: **_(throws down script in front of him) _I just can't stand really unconfident guys- especially when they just get roles left right and center!

**Larxene: **Rolls?

**Roxas: **He was Reno in Final Fantasy, Axel in Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, Kingdom Hearts II, and he was Axel and Lea in Birth by Sleep!

**Aqua: **You were Ven, though.

**Kairi: **Yeah, I say congrats to both of you.

**Sora: **READ THE DAMN SCRIPT!

**Roxas: **alright, alright… 'Once upon a time, there was a young girl who dawned a red cape in memory of the day her mother was brutally murdered, as a symbol that marked the beginning of her transition from childhood, into the adult world…

**Namine: **that actually sounded quite good.

**Olette: **Just keep saying that instead of what was written. Everyone just mark that in your scripts and we can change it as we go along.

**Aerith: **_(enters room abruptly) _right, guys, sorry for being so late. I ran into traffic on the way here. Is this next line mine? _(Sits down in the seat near where Axel is sitting in the corner, smiles at Axel, Roxas looks jealous) _

**Olette: **Yeah.

**Aerith: **Okay, here I go. I'm talking to Aqua in this part, aren't I? Okay. 'Oh, friend… It is a nice day isn't it?

**Aqua: **'Yes. This kind of weather makes me so horny'… wait, WHAT?

**Kairi: **You read it right.

**Leon: **_(dreamily) _this is great.

**Aerith: **'Remember when we experimented in college, Aqua?'

**Riku: **Woah! We're sure entering unknown territory, aren't we?

**Aerith: **It was part of the script, I SWEAR!

**Riku: **I know, I know, I'm just messing with you

**Sora: **_(fuming) _read. The. Damn. Script.

**Aqua: **'Yeah, I remember Aerith. You look so sexy today.'

**Aerith: **'Let's do it- just like old times.'

**Aqua: **'Harder than ever before?'

**Aerith: **'Oh yeah'.

**Leon: **'now ensues some serious tongue action between two girls- improvise as necessary.' Well, come on guys. Let's play by the script.

**Fuu: **Pervert.

**Leon: **_(leaning over to her) _you have no _idea. _

**Aqua: **_(folding arms across chest) _I refuse to act out this next part. No offense Aerith, you're a good looking girl- but I don't run that way if you know what I mean. And I don't do it in public, either.

**Aerith: **Yeah, I don't think that this 'play' can get any worse than it already is.

**Axel: **_(shyly) _the script says that I come in next. I and my gang of wolves crash in… _(Axel blushes madly, scratching the back of his head)_

**Roxas: **Just as Aqua comes. Gosh, Axel. Get a backbone.

**Aerith: **_(defensively) _I thought it was very gentleman like of him to do that!

**Aqua: **Yeah, I agree. Go on Axel.

**Axel: **Okay. _(Whole demeanor changes completely- goes from shy&nervous to sexy&confident. All girls crane necks to look over at him) '_Sorry to cut in on you ladies action- but I have some work to do. Your village- and your asses- are mine now. Mind if I join in?'

**Pence:** _(very gentleman like) '_don't forget to save some ass for me, Axel.'

**Riku: **gee, Pence. When you find a penis tell us all.

**Pence: **what, so I can give one to you?

**Terra: **Yeah, Riku- do you like penis?

**Riku: **shut up, Terra. You haven't talked this whole time- and now you open your mouth to insult me?

**Pence: **_(whispering to Terra) _the reason Riku likes it is because he doesn't have one. _(Both snicker)_

**Leon: **I and Terra put our arms around Aqua and Aerith. 'C'mon Axel, I'm getting angsty.'

**Terra: **'I'm getting antsies in my pantsies.' Damn, that was the worst line I have ever read in my entire life.

**Aerith: **_(frowning at script) _it says that I grab Aqua, kiss her, and tell her to 'take Red and run to grandma's house.' Then I sacrifice myself to the wolves- and they eat me 'with sounds of a burning village in the background.'

**Kairi: **I can definitely take care of the burning village part. I'm good with computers, I could pull up the sound of screaming and mix it with flames- it'll be perfect.

**Aqua: **I can't say that for the rest of the play, though.

**Aerith: **it says that Aqua lip syncs to 'Set Fire to the Rain- Joris Van Der Straten Remix' in the background, as the wolves 'eat' Aerith. Then she dies.

**Namine: **Isn't it extremely illegal in this country to take songs without the consent of the owner. And you have to give them some credit, too, don't you?

**Riku: **No, I think Jason Derulo did that- and no one's arresting him for it.

**Fuu: **It's called 'government conspiracy'.

**Riku: **I would not go that far.

**Roxas: **Okay, the curtain goes down, and I give a little monologue on what Red's doing now. 'Red's mother met a steamy end at the hands of the dastardly wolves that 'licked her up like she was a lollypop'. Aqua ran away with the young Red, and they both lived in a new village. That is, until they found out grandma was ill.'

**Hayner: **_(wakes up from sleep) _a-wah? Grandma's ill?

**Fuu: **Wait, who is Red? You forgot to tell us.

**Xion: **It was Kairi, yo.

**Pence: **No, Kairi is Red's friend.

**Olette: **Well, Sora is Red of course!

**Kairi: **_(confused) _Wait, Red is a boy, now?

**Olette: **No, Red is definitely a girl.

**Riku: **But Sora is a boy!

**Fuu: **He is?

**Hayner: **Are you serious?

**Pence: **Dang. _(Various murmurs of surprise can be heard around the room. Apparently, the only people that knew the truth were Kairi, Sora, and Riku) _

**Olette: **Oh. I never would have guessed. I'm terribly sorry. _(Blushes with embarrassment. Sora jumps on table in anger.)_

**Sora: **_(very angry and hurt) _you all thought I was a girl this whole time? Well lemme tell you all something- I've got a cock! And it's pretty damn big! I'll show you! _(Pulls pants down, and stands back up proudly, whole room screams, Namine shields her dogs eyes, Larxene ogles at Sora)_

**Xion: **Damn, boy! That is big!

**Larxene: **I've got a really cool way of checking if it's real or not.

**Leon: **Really? That would be so cool if you could show us, Larxene.

**Aqua: **_(snarky) _No- no it would not be cool at all.

**Namine: **Wait, maybe Red doesn't have to be a girl at all!

**Roxas: **Little Red Riding Hood has always been a girl.

**Namine: **We would be working a new audience. Gay men!

**Axel: **_(very nervous) _and who would Sora be 'appealing' to the gay male audience with?

**Namine: **_(quite happy with herself) _Well, you, of course! The wolf was always the one who ate Red Riding Hood- and the way this piece is going- I think they mean sex when they say 'eat'.

**Axel: **_(puts head in hands in emotional agony) _Why am I the one who's having sex with everyone? Why can't I be the narrator?

**Xion: **'Cause you're too sexy to be put behind curtains, boy! _(Roxas slumps shoulders and glares at Axel)_

**Fuu: **_(smiles mischievously) _yeah, besides. We know that you really like it.

**Sora: **F*** this. It's my line. 'Aqua, aqua, there's blood on my panties… f*** you all. _(The whole room erupts in laughter). _

**Aqua: **_(chuckling) '_you know what that means, dear. You're becoming a woman!' _(More laughter) '_Now I'll have to teach you how to please men, come here.'

**Kairi: **would you look at that? More sex.

**Aqua: **After that I call over her two friends to 'help her out'. There's a threesome then, with Kairi involved. Apparently, Xion's the innocent one, she just kind of stands outside. _(Xion does fist punch in the air)_

**Pence: **Hey! I've got an idea! How about we see which character goes the longest without having any sex?

**Riku: **Well, story wise, it would have to be Namine, because she's like an old woman now. I'm sure in the end that the wolf will get her in bed. That would be, what? 100 years without sex?

**Kairi: **Riku. Say 'grandmother' to yourself, think about it, and then come back to us.

**Riku: **What? Oh…oh yeah.

**Pence: **_(leaning over to Terra again) _this is the reason he didn't talk too much in Kingdom Hearts.

**Riku: **I told you to shut up Pence!

**Aerith: **The winner is going to be Roxas, because he's the narrator.

**Namine: **_(thoughtfully) _Oh yes. That makes sense.

**Larxene: **Aww. Poor Roxas- we can get together before the show, how about it?

**Roxas: **Hmph. Whatever.

**Terra: **_(slyly smiling) _we all know who he _really _wants, though.

**Riku: **Roxas and Xion sittin' in a tree. F-u-c-

**Roxas: **SHUT UP YOU IDIOT! I DON'T EVEN LIKE XION! SHE'S UGLY! _(All the girls in the room gasp, crossing their arms over their chests)._

**Xion: **Well, now you ain't nevah gettin' any ah' dis' smokin' hot bod. _(Snaps her finger, and brings her head around, Roxas immediately regrets what he's said)_

**Namine: **You're not getting any of _this _either!

**Kairi: **Or this!

**Fuu: **Or this.

**Aqua: **He wasn't getting any of this to begin with.

**Roxas: **No, wait, c'mon, guys! I can change! Just give me a chance!

**Aerith: **_(stands up) _Can I just get everyone's attention for a quick moment? _(Everyone looks at Aerith) _It is apparent that this is not really a play, or a musical, or anything _near _a proper piece of substantial, performable literature.

**Aqua: **Yeah, it's all just Ansem's own little personal porn. This sucks.

**Kairi: **Yeah, the first time we're all brought together, and we have to suffer through this sexist, crude, little game Ansem has set out for us.

**Fuu: **I always knew that he was a creep.

**Sora: **_(finally staying calm instead of getting angry) _Wait a minute. I just remembered something. When we were shooting Kingdoms Hearts II, we got a shot of me, naked, coming out of the memory replenisher at the beginning of the game. In the end, Disney said no to the shot because it was 'inappropriate'.

**Hayner: **That means that Ansem knew that you were a boy!

**Axel: **_(begins to cry) _I can't deal with this anymore.

**Larxene: **Guys, we just want to give up on ourselves. Ansem has given us a challenging script, and we should definitely think about doing it.

**Pence: **_(laughing) _Oh, you know, I bet at the part when Sora would have been with Axel- I bet that he says 'what a big cock you have' instead of teeth.

**Fuu: **_(flatly) _How ever did you figure that out?

**Namine: **_(stands up angrily) _Well, I'm not going to stick around to figure out what my part says. Obviously Axel 'eats' me. Quite frankly, I think this stupid porn is completely beneath me, and I will not even stand to be in the same room as this script- or any of you for that matter. You are what you associate yourself with. And I will _not _associate myself with the likes of you lot. Goodbye. _(Pomeranian growls and Namine nods snobbishly, and then exits the room. Everyone is silent for a minute.) _

**Aqua: **I never liked her. C'mon Aerith, let's go out on a shopping spree or something.

**Aerith: ** Yeah, I sure do need it. _(Both exit)_

**Fuu: **See you all- never, I guess.

**Axel: **_(bravely goes over to Xion) _I never got to ask you this on the Final Fantasy set- or the Kingdom Hearts set. But, do you want to go on a date?

**Xion: **_(smiling) _Mm. Sugah', I thought you was nevah gonna ask. _(Both leave). _

**Roxas: **Hey, wait for me you two!

_(One by one, everyone leaves, until Olette is left alone in the room, Ansem enters again just as the last person leaves.)_

**Ansem: **_(dejectedly) _where did everyone go? Have they acted out the script yet? Did they find it satisfactory?

**Olette: **_(looks at Ansem expressionlessly, and then throws the script in front of him.) _Keep your damn computer. I'll write my own script by hand. And I won't be needing any suggestions either. _(Exits room, leaving Ansem alone.)_

**Ansem: **_(scratches head, then flips through script once more, sighing.) _Well, I thought it was good. I guess I'll just have to direct it myself.

**THE END**


	2. A Letter From the Author… To the Author

_(Spotlight comes on, silence for a moment, then Namine walks center stage, stops, addresses audience)_

**Namine: **Hi. My name is Namine. I am not the _most _popular among the throng of video game ladies, but I have a substantial fan base. Haters would say that I'm a yellow belly, a coward, I've got no sass, or simply, I'm not a strong character. But let me tell you- that is all going to change. _(Putting fist in air in a determined way) _I am a strong woman! And let me tell you this- I will NOT let anyone push me around any mo-

**Larxene: **NAMINE!

**Namine: **_(squeaks) _Yes, Larxene?

**Larxene: **_(putting hand to ear) _Say what?

**Namine: **_(excessively earnest)_ What knowledge would you like to impart on me oh wise, beautiful, amazingly intelligent one?

**Larxene: **You're missing something. I can't forgive you if you miss this.

**Namine: **_(thinking frantically) _uh… oh mighty one, oh your majesty oh sultry dazzling tempting concubine of the high court of uh… amazingness… I…. beauty becomes you, oh finely assed one, oh delicate ballerina armed one, oh perfectly toned one, oh extremely fit one…? Am I getting close?

**Larxene: **_(slaps, kicks, punches, and roars at Namine) _you forgot 'oh sexy one'- you have ALWAYS forgotten that one! If you forget it again- I'll throw you out the window and spit on your mangled corpse! And I hope you're not trying to be some sort of _rebel _by forgetting the most important part of the introduction!

**Namine: **_(shakily standing back up from the ground, rubbing stomach) _what was it that you wanted to tell me?

**Larxene: **_(kicks Namine in the shins, sends her down again angrily) _now you're getting cocky are ya'? I'll say what I want to say _when _I want to say it, got it?

**Namine: **_(whimpering and nodding quickly as Larxene pulls her up by the hair) _of course, oh sexy dazzling wise one. Forgive me for stepping over my boundaries _(bows) _

**Larxene: **_(fixing hair) _WELL. That's more like it. I just wanted to tell you that if you're gonna do your own monologue to the whole world; you can't be a little ugly critter like yourself.

**Namine: **_(looking down at herself) _I'm… ugly?

**Larxene: **Heh. Don't even get me started.

_(Broadway-esque song begins, and the rest of organization thirteen dance out from either side of the stage. We get to witness some wicked Sitar playing from Demyx, and some very nice duets with Larxene and the rest of Organization Thirteen singing about how unattractive Namine is. Namine goes to edge of stage and cries- then Roxas sings how he doesn't think that she's that ugly. Song ends with Larxene patting Namine on the shoulder) _

**Larxene: **_(singing) _so in conclusion- you're not good lookin' _(talking) _got it, sister?

**Namine: **_(wipes tears out of eyes) _Okay. _(At this point, Marluxia sails in on a bed of flowers- Larxene looks irritated) _

**Marluxia: **Xemnas just beat us all up backstage for singing. I don't know if this thing was supposed to be a musical or what, but the leader's not having it at all. Now, I'm coming to the point of what this whole thing is all about. Namine- can I talk to you?

**Xemnas: **_(walks on sta—dsfoeas9404taaxl3A… PAUSE. RE-BOOTING._

**Xemnas: Sorry, guys, I had to get rid of those annoying italicized action comments. If I'm walking into the room, I'm walking into the room, and nobodies gonna say 'I'm walking into the room' unless I say it first. **

**Marluxia: Thanks a lot, Xemnas. This story looked pretty before. Now we're all in dark print. **

**Larxene: But, it does add a certain… **_**boldness **_**to the story, don't you think? Eh. EH?**

**Xemnas: I said NO MORE ITALICS. But I like caps. Xemnas likes caps very much…**

**Namine: But, we thought that the story would go so much better if it was in play format. It would make it kind of, different you know? **

**Xemnas: Ha. My ass this is gonna be a play. Give me a minute, I've got to direct my attention to the writer of this thing. HEY YOU. YEAH YOU, THE ONE WHO IS DOING THE MAD TYPING…WHAT'S YOUR NAME? TELL ME- I WILL NOT STAND FOR LYING, EITHER. **

Uh… You mean me?

**Xemnas: YES, YOU. NAME, PLEASE.**

It's Helmina. It is kind of old fashioned, but I like it anyway. What did you want to ask me?

**Xemnas: I WANT TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS ALL WRONG. I WANT STORY FORMAT, NOT THIS LYRICAL PLAY- WRITE CRAP. **

Well, gee. No need to get your knickers in a twist, mister. It was really me and Namine who were collaborating on this little story.

**Saix: What is this story for, anyway? **

I like to write stories for this cool little website called ' '. Hey, that's funny. It won't let me write " ". Shit, it did it again! Anyway, on this website you can put up all types of your own fan fiction stories and people all over the world can see them.

**Xemnas: I FIND IT UNSATISFACTORY THAT YOU GET TO HAVE YOUR OWN SPECIAL FONT. I WANT MY OWN SPECIAL FONT, TOO- LIKE TIMES NEW ROMAN. THIS CALIBRI CRAP IS MESSING WITH MY HEAD. **

I think that it comes up on the website in Calibri. This is just the standard font on my computer, and I'm too lazy to change it.

**Xemnas: LAZINESS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED IN ORGANIZATION THIRTEEN. **

Wait wait- hold up. I'M in organization thirteen, now?

**Xemnas: YES. I BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE. **

Awesome! What's my first mission? I get a weapon, right? I'm good at drawing; I could design one for myself.

**Namine: You draw? I do too! We could draw together sometime!**

Somehow methinks that would be very hard, Namine. Judging by the fact that you are a character in a story of mine. Who has apparently come to life through the mysterious program- Microsoft Word.

**Namine: We'll work something out.**

**Xemnas: THERE WILL BE NONE OF THIS 'WORKING OUT'. THERE WILL BE MISSIONS- SUCH AS A NEW FONT FOR XEMNAS. **

Okay, I could make you a size bigger- no pun intended.

**Xemnas: COULD YOU MAKE ME A SIZE BIGGER? **

What, you mean your clothing size?

**Xemnas: NO. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.**

_Okayyy_- THAT is kind of awkward. Are you sure that's what you want? Bigger isn't always better.

**Xemnas: IT IS IN THIS CASE.**

Right. Alright- once I type it, there's no turning back. "Xemnas becomes a size bigger."

**Xemnas: RIGHT, I DON'T FEEL ANY CHANGE. LET ME LOOK… DAMN. IT WORKS LIKE A CHARM.**

**Saix: Oh, I want a size bigger too, me too!**

**Demyx: me three!**

**Luxord: me four!**

**Vexen: I might need maybe- five sizes bigger. **

_Alright, everyone in organization thirteen becomes a size bigger. _

**Xion: Hey, I liked my boobs the way they were!**

**Demyx: Wait, just to make sure, we're not gonna get bigger breasts are we? It's the lower member for the guys, right? **

Oh my gosh, yes, fine, whatever. I don't even care anymore. This story is turning out crappy because of you guys.

**Demyx: My Sitar is broken; can I get a new one in a brighter blue?**

**Larxene: I want some new outfits. Black does not suit me. Oh, and I need some new lipstick.**

**Namine: I wouldn't mind receiving a wide array of unlimited art supplies.**

**Pence: Can I get some food?**

**Saix: I didn't know that you were in this story Pence.**

**Pence: Everyone in the KH universe now knows that this author is giving the characters whatever they want!**

**Riku: Yeah, everyone's coming, now, right?**

Oh no. No way, this cannot be happening. All I wanted to do was write a fan fiction. I didn't want anything else.

**Everybody: PPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

_**(THROBBING MUSIC BEGINS- AUTHOR PUTS HANDS OVER EARS)**_

That. Is. Quite. Enough.

…

That is what happens when you let the characters take over the fan fiction. You just can't win with them.

The end

...

**FOR NOW….**


	3. Action Comments and Nationalities

**Pence: **Hi! My name is Pence. If you'll recall, in the last chapter Xemnas said that he didn't like italics. So, to save ourselves from getting beat up backstage, we're going to refrain from using italics, which means there won't be any action statements, like, "sits ponderously on the end of the table", or "pitifully" or things like that. We won't be able to say "seated around a round table with several bags of chips, queso, and pie." So I'll just tell you now, me and my buddies from Kingdom Hearts are sitting around a round table eating chips, queso, and pie.

**Leon: **Leon: takes a bite out of his pie and dips it in queso.

**Kairi: **double dipping is nasty.

**Leon: **Leon: double dips again.

**Kairi: **would you stop talking in third person?

**Leon: **Leon: scowls.

**Hayner: **Hey, where's Piss Blood?

**Kairi: **Oh my gosh that name is disgusting.

**Hayner: **Hey, it wasn't my fault! Leon and Terra made it up, I'm just repeating it!

**Pence: **It would be nice to know where Roxas' gang are.

**Hayner: **We're Roxas' gang, Pence!

**Pence: **I mean his old gang, Hayner.

**Hayner: **Oh, yeah. The Knights of the Triangular Table.

**Kairi: **What's with the game of thrones nicknames?

**Pence: **Hayner and I have been on a game of thrones binge.

**Hayner: **Twenty episodes in two nights.

**Leon: **Are we allowed talk about other shows?

**Hayner: **Why the hell would we not?

**Leon: **Well because this conversation is going to be put as a story onto that fan fiction website.

**Pence: **You mean "he that shall not be named"?

**Hayner: **That's Voldemort, Pence.

**Kairi: **No, Voldemort is "He Who Shall Not Be Named".

**Pence: **Hey, is saying his name going to summon him or something?

**Leon: **Aw, shit man! We can't summon Voldemort!

**Hayner: **Why not?

**Kairi: **You mean besides the fact that he's a psycho killer?

**Leon: **Voldemort is from Harry Potter, whereas we are from Kingdom Hearts. Our paths cannot cross.

**ROOM GROWS SILENT WITH DEEP, DEVILISH FEAR. XEMNAS SAID THIS PART. XEMNAS SAID THIS PART BECAUSE IT IS BOLD AND IN ALL CAPS. XEMNAS OUT. **

**Leon: **I'm going to tell you all a little story. Leon: takes bite of chip and double dips in queso. Twice.

**Kairi: **Get on with it...

**Leon: **Once upon a time, in a small Los Angeles apartment on the East Side in 1998, the sharks and the jets reigned supreme. The sharks were Jamaican, but the jets were all American boys...

**Kairi: **This isn't the right story.

**Hayner: **Let the man finish!

**Leon: **But amidst the gang war that was going on between the sharks and jets, there lay a city of writers. Kids who were too scared to publish their own stories. Kids who loved the stories of others, who wanted to write their own take on those stories. These creations were titled: Fan fiction.

**Pence: **Amen.

**Leon: **Xing Li saw these kids who just wanted to write. He saw them get bored and join those east side gangs, and he said to himself, enough is enough. Let them write, he said. And he let them write.

**Hayner: **How did he let them write?

**Leon: **He created a website for fan fiction writers. Anyone could become a member. And once they did, they could upload their stories. And once those stories were uploaded, people read them. And for some stupid reason, the name of this website could not be recorded within any one of these stories.

**Kairi: **Why not?

**Hayner: **He just said "for some stupid reason", can't you listen?

**Pence: **Probably so people couldn't advertise other stories on their own, or vice versa. It's for privacy reasons.

**Leon: **But we were speaking about summoning Voldemort. Which brings me to the next part of my tale.

**Kairi: **Well get on with it, then.

**Leon: **I will. After I take another chip. Leon: double dips again, the smooth bastard.

**Kairi: **I really wish Xemnas and the author would let us use italic action statements.

**Leon: **One of the rules established on this fan fiction website was the proper categorization of the stories herein. There are two sorts of stories on this fan fiction website. Regulars and Crossovers. Crossovers are banished to the nether regions of fan fiction where they lay in wait of less views and reviews. They don't get favorited, they don't get followed, nothing...

**Pence: **That's horrible. I'm crying it's so horrible.

**Hayner: **No you're not, Pence, you're just trying to make this story more dramatic.

**Pence: **Well if you hadn't have announced I wasn't crying, the audience would have thought I had been crying.

**Hayner: **Well you weren't, so shut up!

**Pence: **You shut up!

**Hayner: **No, you shut up!

**Kairi: **BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!

**ONLY XEMNAS CAN HAVE CAPS! **

**Kairi: **Sorry, Xemnas.

**Leon: **Anyway. If we teleport a person from another medium into our own story, then we automatically become a crossover.

**Hayner: **What if we lie to Xing and tell him that "He who should not be named" isn't around?

**Pence: **Yeah, Voldemort seems like he'd be a skinny guy, we could hide him in the coat closet or something!

**Kairi: **You dumbass! He'd kill you if you went near him!

**Leon: **Kairi's on the right track. But our main concern is him actually entering the story. It's better to stay on the safe side and leave him out of this completely.

**Pence: **So we're not summoning Voldemort?

**Hayner: **If we were going to summon him he would have been here by now. We've said his name about twenty times already and nothing's happened.

**Pence: **Maybe he's been delayed! There is a steep time difference between Japan and England.

**Hayner: **He's not coming, Pence.

**Leon: **Speaking of nationalities, what are we?

**OOHH, EVERYONE FALLS SILENT. XEMNAS SAID THIS PART TOO.**

**Kairi: **What do you mean, "what are we"? We're Japanese, right?

**Hayner: **I'm an american. Who in their right mind but a backwater Carolina kid would dress in my getup?

**Leon: **you are bullheaded.

**Kairi: **and what are you, Leon? You're a lecher! We established that truth in the first chapter.

**Leon: **No! I'm just a kid who wants to be a man...

**Pence: **You know what? If your character from Final Fantasy was a character in game of thrones, I think he'd be John Snow.

**Kairi: **We're talking about another show now?

**Hayner: **Who would I be, Pence?

**Pence: **You'd be Jon's sidekick. The redhead.

**Hayner: **Aw, dang it! Can't I be Robb Stark?

**Leon: **the one who dies?

**Hayner: **He wouldn't die if I were him!

**Pence: **No, Hayner. You're redhead sidekick.

**Hayner: **Well then you're Sam!

**Pence: **Whatever. At least I got Gilly.

**Hayner: **You can keep Gilly.

**Pence: **I can't just "keep her". She's not a goat!

**Hayner: **Well I don't know, Pence, do whatever you like!

**Leon: **I'm going to write down that you said I was like Jon Snow.

**Pence: **Okay.

**Kairi: **No, he said your character in Final Fantasy was like Jon Snow, not you. You're just a creep.

**Leon: **That really hurts, Kai.

**Kairi: **It's Kairi.

**Pence: **Where's Roxas?

**Kairi: **Ah, there he is! He's coming through the door!

**Roxas: **Hi, guys...

**Pence: **ROXAS!

**Kairi: **Hi, Roxas, how are you?

**Roxas: **not too good, Kairi.

**Kairi: **Why not?

**Roxas: **Well first off, Xion is totally shutting me out, just enough for Axel to make a move. And second off, I talked with Xemnas and he says we can't do the story like this any more.

**Hayner: **What do you mean we can't do the story like this?

**Roxas: **He doesn't like the play format; he likes the story format instead. And besides, play format is against the rules.

**Pence: **I spit on rules!

**Hayner: **You do not, Pence!

**Pence: **Neither do you!

**Roxas: **Anyway, it's against the rules. And third off, they're thinking of recasting for the next Kingdom Hearts.

**Kairi: **WHAT?

**Roxas: **Apparently we're not realistic looking enough.

**Kairi: **That's a downright lie! We're as realistic as they come!

**Roxas: **We're not! And we need to face that. Kairi, you and all the rest of the girls your age in this game look like clones. Same for most of the guys. Apparently, though, they like Axel the way he is.

**Kairi: **That's a load of crap! Axel's not that great!

**Roxas: **That's what I said!

**Hayner: **They can't fire us! They need us!

**Pence: **They might do with better actors for Terra and Aqua.

**Kairi: **That doesn't matter! They started with us so they should finish with us!

**Leon: **People get recast all the time. It's a fact of the business.

**Kairi: **Well this business sucks!

**Pence: **But Kairi, you wanted to be an actress! No one else decided for you!

**Kairi: **Well I just didn't think that once you'd made it-

**Olette: **Guys?

**Pence: **Oh. Olette's here. Hi Olette!

**Olette: **Hello Pence.

**Leon: **Pence, she's been here the whole time. She was sitting at the end of the table thinking.

**Pence: **Well there were no action comments to tell the audience that Olette was here! And I didn't know either until she spoke!

**Olette: **Do you guys want to start a band?

_**There are crickets. Crickets everywhere. Crickets with little bows made of sandalwood they've drawn in from the beach, with little hairs made with the silk of spiders in the thickets. They quiver their bows against their legs and hum out a loud tune to offset the silence that has deeply affected the room they inhabit, that room being the one that Leon, Olette, Pence, Hayner, and Roxas are situated inside. Not even Xemnas can stop this action comment from happening because the crickets are humming into his mind and driving him loopy. But as our characters begin to think again, and as their contrived world begins to turn anew, the crickets stop their symphony and rest. Then, our characters speak. **_

**Roxas: **If we do this, I've got one, simple request.

**Olette: **And what would that be, Roxas?

**Roxas: **Axel's not invited.


	4. Imagination, Indy, and Microbuses

**Pence: **Oh! Well, hello. Didn't see you there, wise fan fiction reader. _**(long beat) **_As you've noticed, there's an italicized action comment right above my head saying "long beat", which means a long pause, which means we've got action comments again! _**(Pence takes a rather laborious step to the right, sidestepping an amp that is being wheeled towards an old Scooby Doo- esque Volkswagen T1 Microbus parked outside Roxas' house. Roxas is on the back porch making a call, by the by. Just in case you wanted to know...) **_

So now you've got the full run down of everything that's going on. Well, not _everything... __**(Pence puts on a sly grin and shrugs) **_The fact is we have officially started a band. None of us can play an instrument, and few of us can actually sing, let alone sight read, and to make matters worse, because Kairi took _one _Musical Theatre boot camp before joining Disney, she thinks she has the right to lord her thoughts over the whole band. Olette is manager, and as usual, not very good at driving us. She has great ideas. But she can't exactly get them off the ground without too much help...

**Kairi: **Pence, you're not doing any work! Get over here and pull an amp or something!

**Hayner: **All the amps are in the back of the damn microbus, Kairi. Give it a rest.

**Leon: **_**(hauling an old guitar hero guitar towards the bus) **_Can I still talk in third person even though there are action comments now?

**Kairi: **Hell no.

**Leon: **Just because you said that, I think I might do it anyway.

**Hayner: **Leon, that guitar won't work. It's a plastic toy.

**Leon: **Not until it's strung up to a banging amp, it isn't!

**Kairi: **That makes abso-fucking-lutely no sense, Leon.

**Leon: **_(sarcastic) _Sho' thing, Kai!

**Kairi: **It's Kairi. _**(Looking towards bus) **_Where's my foghorn?

**Riku: **Um, I think it's up the street and around the corner of YO ASS.

**Terra: **Killer, dude!

**Kairi: **who the hell invited these nimwits?

**Riku: **We invited ourselves!

_**(Foghorn in hand, Kairi tries to extricate Terra and Riku from the premises with little help from the already members of the band. Just as she takes a swing at Riku's fine coif, though, Olette steps in to break up the action)**_

**Olette: **Holy shit, guys, back off! _**(Everyone calms surprisingly fast)**_

**Pence: **Way to go Olette!

**Olette: **That's nothing. _**(Beat) **_Pence, if you're going to narrate, try to add some order into the story. And Kairi, stop with the foghorn. There are, what, five of us? You don't need it.

**Riku:** Yeah, Kairi, there's no fog.

_**(Beat)**_

**Olette: **Wait a minute, who invited these guys?

**Kairi: **Don't ask me!

**Riku: **We invited ourselves!

**Olette: **You can't just 'invite' yourselves! You're not members of the band!

**Terra: **I used to be part of a band.

**Riku: **Really? Man, I didn't know that.

**Terra: **Well, it was more of a show choir. I sang back up.

**Kairi: **What voice type?

**Terra: **I swing between countertenor and soprano.

**Kairi: **What?

**Hayner: **What do you know? Something Kairi's never heard of!

**Kairi: **Shut up, Hayner!

**Riku: **You don't know what countertenor is, Kairi?

**Kairi: **I said shut up! I listened to enough of you when we had to perform together in Kingdom Hearts, let alone when I had to be in your presence! I'm even_ sure _on one occasion you touched my boob while carrying me!

**Riku: **What the hell? I did not!

**Kairi: **You did! I felt it!

**Riku: **I didn't! _**(Beat) **_But if I did, it would have been an accident!

**Kairi: **How is brushing your hand over a woman's breast while carrying her in mid run an accident?

**Riku: **Kairi, honestly I didn't like or know you well enough to do that on purpose.

**Kairi: **You seemed pretty lovey-dovey when delivering your lines! "My duty is to save Kairi, Sora, back off! Oh, Kairi, Kairi, Kairi!"

**Pence: **There were a lot of love declarations for Kairi in that game, Riku.

**Riku: **all part of Disney's script.

**Terra: **Hey, don't forget Square!

**Hayner: **You mean Square _Enix. _Square was the good old days, Terra. Before you or I.

**Terra: **Damn. I always wanted to be in Chrono Trigger.

**Kairi: **_**(to Riku) **_You weren't a good enough actor _not_ to take that script to heart.

**Riku: **I had to take it to heart to pretend to love you! Otherwise I couldn't have done it!

**Olette: **Shit, guys, stop fighting! And Riku, stay away from Kairi's boobs and the band!

**Riku: **That's not fair! I didn't come to join because I liked you guys; I want to join because I want to be in the band!

**Olette: **Were you ever in a band?

**Riku: **yes, as a matter of fact. I had a garage band when I was twelve. That's how Disney spotted me.

**Hayner: **Really?

**Riku: **Yes! I was in a band with some old bros back home. Then I got my own show with Sora. Terra was Sora's mean older brother who did show choir. He really has a soaring soprano, guys. I'm talking Aretha, here.

**Hayner: **Yeah, I remember that show! It was called 'Bros before Hoagies', right? About the boy band? I had my own blog through Disney as well, that's how I got this part! They liked my spunk.

**Kairi: **I happened to be in a few movies.

**Riku: **B- Movies, you mean.

**Kairi: **No. Good movies, as a matter of fact. I was Wendy in an adaptation of Peter Pan. And I played a young Cindy Lauper in "My True Colors."

**Terra: **I loved that movie as a young man. Her rendition of 'True Colors' at the end was my staple when I sang in church.

**Hayner: **Wow. I have nothing to say.

**Terra: **Then don't say anything, loser!

**Olette: **What did you do, Riku?

**Riku: **Six strings, all the way. Sometimes twelve.

**Olette: **So Terra sings and you guitar?

**Terra: **only backup singing, s'il vous plait.

**Hayner: **Oh, he's started with the franglish.

**Terra: **Don't step in on my self-expression, Hayner. What was your blog about, anyway?

**Hayner: **_**(mumbling)**_I don't know... pretty killer stuff...

**Terra: **I can't hear you, Hayner.

**Hayner: **IT WAS BAKING!

**Terra: **Haha! The truth comes out!

**Hayner: **Hey, I baked with spunk!

**Riku: **It appears none of us are all that we seem...

**Pence: **Shall we have a chat about our pasts before Kingdom Hearts?

**Terra: **Sure!

**Kairi: **It would be a waste of time, but I don't mind...

**Hayner: **Fine, but we all have to be truthful.

**Roxas: **_**(returning from call) **_What are you guys doing?

**Olette: **Having a conversation on our pasts.

**Roxas: **I'm going to make another call...

**Pence: **No, stay, Roxas!

**Kairi: **Yeah, the rest of us are staying.

**Roxas: **Well, okay...

_**At this point, the whole clan takes a seat in front of the microbus to have a conversation on how they all started in the entertainment industry. Terra tries to break out some lovely copper pot, but Olette bates him off. Or, at least, she tries. Soon the whole party is sitting in an awkward puff of smoke, some regretting their decision, as they really don't know each other well enough to confide. **_

**Pence: **The world is cruel, in its affectation of beauty. We all think we are driving towards a beautiful, unicorn pure, spring water rare quality of universe when really we just crawl along like big metal, puke green ants. Not to step on the ants, so to speak, if you all catch my waves.

**Hayner: **That was a beautiful pontification, Pence.

**Pence: **See that's the affectation of beauty that's messing with your mind. I really didn't "say" anything. You could call what I said shit, because I didn't know what I meant at the time, or because our level of communication doesn't encompass what I wanted to say most of all. But in the end, all we can be happy with, if that even is a word, is that we are.

**Hayner: **I don't know what the shit you just said, but I liked it.

**Pence: **Thank you, Hay Nay. I thought it was quite good myself.

**Kairi: **Do any of you feel like we're on the ocean? Like the waves are just pulling us back and forth? I think I'm hitting against rocks...

**Olette: **that's the microbus, Kairi.

**Kairi: **Could have sworn it was a big red rock, the color of blood...

**Terra: **Okayyy. You need a big splash of water. Would you like some water?

**Kairi: **I'm already in water.

**Terra: **Coffee, then. _**(Terra walks into Roxas' house for the coffee, misses the door, but then finds it and trundles in) **_

**Riku: **The most important part of the musical business is keeping an open mind. And what better mind opener than good ol' Indy?

**Olette: **Does imagination count?

**Riku: **Where did the Beatles go with 'imagination'?

**Olette: **Love Me Do.

**Riku: **And where did they go with good ol' indy?

**Olette: **Wild Honey Pie.

**Riku: **And that proves it!

**Olette: **Exactly.

**Roxas: **Do you ever feel like the world is spinning out of control, and you're going faster than everyone else but you seem to be standing still, but the world is still spinning? So it's like everyone is moving in slow motion, and the world is spinning, and you're _running, _but you're on a treadmill?

**Riku: **No, how does it feel?

**Roxas: **It sucks, man!

_**At this point Terra returns with coffee in mugs and spilled on his front. One mug he hands to Kairi, bleary eyed and pursed lipped, while the other mug he keeps for himself. **_

**Terra: **I think you are bitter, Roxas.

**Roxas: **_**(standing up) **_Of course I'm bitter! It's taken me _years _to get to this level of popularity, only to be told I'm being recast? I'm going to cry!

**Hayner: **Don't you cry, man!

**Roxas: **No, I'm going to cry!

**Hayner: **I'm baking us some angel food cake. _**(Hayner leaves Roxas mid sob to make some angel food cake, trudging towards the kitchen in a slightly wobbled manner, but with determination all the same)**_

**Olette: **We really need to get on the road if we're going to outrun Xing and Xemnas, guys. We're already breaking so many rules.

**Terra: **Do you think Xing is a part of Organization Thirteen, guys?

**Olette: **No.

**Terra: **Maybe that's true, but what do you think his original name would have been?

**Hayner: **Gin?

**Terra: **Exactly!

**Hayner: **No, I need it for baked Alaska.

**Roxas: **No fire, please. My mom will kill me.

**Terra: **Stick it to the man, Roxas.

**Riku: **Yeah, stick it to the man!

**Olette: **Stick to the angel food cake, Hayner.

**Hayner: **How about cheesecake? It takes ten hours longer so we can stay and talk.

**Olette: **Oh my gosh, do the damn angel food cake!

**Hayner: **Alright, alright... gee... _**(Hayner disappears back inside the house to finish the cake while Olette checks her watch and bites her lip)**_

**Olette: **We're running out of time. If you guys don't start helping me, I'll pack up the bus myself.

**Riku: **Can I tell you something?

**Olette: **What?

**Riku: **I sincerely hope- keeping in mind the best interests of the band- that you are _not _planning on playing a plastic guitar hero toy guitar at gigs. Because it won't work.

**Leon: **why do people keep dissing my guitar?

**Terra: **Because it's not a real guitar, lamebrain.

**Leon: **Hey, I thought we were friends, man! We got along when we read Olette's porn play!

**Olette: **It was written by Ansem, guys!

**Riku: **Why did you let him write that, Olette?

**Olette: **I had no choice! I had to use his computer to type it instead of handwriting every copy! There were about twenty of us in that room!

**Pence: **that's what happens when you do business with the man...

**Riku: **Yeah, stick it to the man...

**Roxas: **You know, it's just like him to put me in the 'narrating' role. Like I can't handle anything sexual, or something stupid like that...

**Olette: **Did you want to be the lead in a pornographic theatrical production, Roxas?

**Roxas: **No! No way! But to have the audacity to say that I wouldn't be capable of it is just... it just irks me...

**Kairi: **You guy's voices are coming from above my head, so you're going to have to speak louder.

**Terra: **Wow, she's smashed.

**Roxas: **Of course Axel got the lead. You guys should see the guy in real life; he's awkward as a giraffe.

**Riku: **we went over the logicality of that statement ages ago, Roxas.

**Roxas: **Awkward isn't just a psychological expression of emotion, Riku. It's also a physical manifestation of the implications of that emotion. It's when you're clumsy and bumbling. You can never say the right thing, you ruin everything, you just... you just... you SUCK!

_**Throughout this rant, Roxas becomes increasingly flustered, until he is livid with emotion, flailing his arms everywhere and shouting to the world. This culminates in his last expression of distress. Now, he sits panting after the previous debacle)**_

_**(Beat)**_

**Leon: **I'm sensing a really unhealthy dosage of self-hate here, y'all.

**Roxas: **I was voted the best young actor in a competition at my elementary school. After that I've been in it all the way. I even tried to drive myself to an audition as a kid.

**Leon: **How did that end?

**Roxas: **I crashed into a dyke.

**Leon: **You killed a lesbian? !

**Roxas: **no, as in a wall that regulates water movement, a levee.

**Leon: **Ohhh...

**Riku: **Would you find doing a lesbian sexy?

**Leon: **Me? I don't know. That's kind of out of the blue...

**Riku: **Just because of the power, you know. The power to change sexual orientation...

**Terra: **I think the illusion of that power is dangerous.

**Pence: **That was profound, Terra.

**Terra: **I get smart sometimes.

**Leon: **Well if any of you were gay, I'd be aye okay with it. Bros before... bros. Or sistahs before... uh... sistahs.

**Kairi: **Thanks for the coffee, Terra. I think it's bringing me back to life.

**Olette: **Do you guys want to move soon? Like, into the microbus?

**Riku: **Chill, Olette.

**Olette: **You're not even in the band, Riku, and you're already influencing our decisions. I am the manager of this team, and you are an invader. You are _not _a part of us. Don't for one moment think that you are.

_**(Beat)**_

**Pence: **That's harsh, Olette.

**Olette: **If Xemnas or Xing finds us we're done! If we want to form our band we've got to run! We know too much about the fan fiction universe to confine ourselves to this story we've been catapulted into.

**Pence: **But this is the story of our lives, Olette! Even if it is a fan fiction, we can't leave it!

**Olette: **we can if we write our own story...

**Leon: **You mean leave the FAN FICTION? !

**Olette: **That is precisely what I am saying.

_**A long beat ensues, in which the whole party runs over the implications of this statement in there heads. Then,**_

**Riku: **Well, shit. Let's get this show on the road.


	5. In Which Xing Pays A Visit To the Author

"**What was there to be gained by fighting the most evil wizard who has ever existed?" said Black, with a terrible fury in his face. "Only innocent lives, Peter!"**

**"You don't understand!" whined Pettigrew. "He would have killed me, Sirius!"**

**"THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED!" roared Black. "DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE WOULD HAVE DONE FOR YOU!" **

**J.K Rowling, **_**Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban **_

"DID YOU WRITE DOWN THE QUOTE, DEMYX?" asked Xemnas in a very regal manner (though regal is most definitely _not _the appropriate phrasing for the way he spoke- he wanted me to write 'regal') bending his head to read another frivolously fantastical section of _Crime and Punishment. _(He wasn't reading crime and punishment either. Just disregard this whole paragraph except what's in quotation marks. Why we have a quote from Harry Potter in the beginning is anyone's guess. Xemnas was reading it yesterday and liked the references to death.)

"ARE YOU THREATENING MY CREDIBILITY, **WRITER?" **Xemnas asked myself. Myself shrugged in return and kept typing. The atmosphere in the room had gotten rather chilly at this point, due to the fact that the whole Organization (including myself) were feeling quite nauseous at the possibility of meeting the creator of the website I am typing this story in regards of. That website being fanfiction dot knet. With the help of my writing, Organization Thirteen has rebuilt the Castle That Never Was to astounding new heights. This was accomplished solely through the power of words. Once Xemnas realized the full extent of my powers as writer of his life, he has given me much respect. But I can't help but feel that he is taking advantage of me...

At this point the room was nearly too cold to bear. I felt like someone was compensating chill air for the hot flash they would not dare admit to having. Do men have menopausal symptoms? I don't know. But at that moment I felt as though I would freeze to death. Then a trill fell down my spine and I knew the lobby door had opened, because the sound of footsteps echoed down the white hallways surrounding us. They were coming towards us, making our throats constrict with anxiety. A gentle cough accompanied them. So we knew that Xing was behind us, coming up fast and no doubt furious though he did not let on. The brave one was Xemnas, who turned around first and stood, picking himself up off his chair and holding his hand out for Xing to shake. I was second to stand. It's not every day that you, as a writer, get sucked into your own fan fiction only to be greeted by Xing Li. I was understandably nervous. But when I turned around my shoulders sagged.

Xing was your average Los Angeles computer programmer. He had thick-lidded black eyes that examined me with disdain as I looked upon him, even though I smiled. He did not smile back. So I stopped smiling and gave an awkward cough as Xemnas threw his arms out. This was the creator of fan fiction dot knet. And he was visiting us because of this story.

"WELCOME TO OUR ABODE," shouted Xemnas. "I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. MEMBER 13 HAS BEEN DECORATING IT WITH VERY NICE WORDS."

"If I'm honest, Xemnas- that is your name, isn't it?" interrupted Xing, continuing, "I've never met a fictional character that possessed such a successful rapport with their author." At this point his eyes turned to me, and I pursed my lips. Behind Xing Xemnas was feeling the burn. He had been totally blown off, and for some reason that made me mad. Even if this Xemnas _was _just my version of a character from a square enix video game, it didn't mean that he deserved to be disrespected.

"I don't usually like stepping in to people's fan fictions, Ms. Banks," admitted Xing, pushing his glasses up his nose so that their glare covered the expression in his eyes. I froze. "Yes. I am aware that your name is Helmina Banks. I know that you are a Caucasian female from the United States. And I know that it won't take much to find out a little more about you. Or a lot, depending on your preference. I recall that you have another bundle of life that you are very responsible for."

Sweat was dripping from the bridge of my nose, that place that always seems to sweat the most when you're uncomfortable, just like in the cartoons. I gulped. If he knew about my precious bundle of life, he knew about everything. Why was this guy grilling me?

"As you can see your characters are running amok," Xing continued. "I want that changed. Because right now, they are dangerously close to breaking the rules."

"They slipped out of my grasp," I responded in a whiny voice. "It's not my fault."

"Regardless of whose fault it is, they must be brought back," replied Xing. "If not by you, I have a very special assistant who is willing to get them back for me, in exchange for a very special gift."

At this point, what I thought had been Xing's shadow stepped away from him to beneath the ceiling light above our heads. I gasped. I knew this face, and I knew its black leather getup and gold buttoned, steel toed, heeled, pointy-ended boots anywhere.

"You're J.G. Jopling!" I gasped, "Adrian Brody's sidekick from Grand Budapest Hotel!"

At this, the leathered man seemed to become uncomfortable, and gave a narrowed eye look to Xing as the two remained silent. Then Xing wet his lips and smiled, saying, "I think you're mistaking him for Willem Dafoe. _That _would be against the rules. But this man's name is Wilhelm DaFuk. An entirely different and entirely real human that is not from a movie."

I remained skeptical. In my heart I knew this man was from a fictional universe. But the way he looked at me and at the people sitting around me... I knew he wouldn't be messed with. Then, as I examined him he stepped forward, giving a weird, crinkly half smile, showing the gap in the center of his upper set of teeth.

"If you don't get your friends back," he said in a gravelly, soft-spoken voice, "then I will."

Cracking his knuckles, I remembered what J. G. Jopling did to that one girl in Grand Budapest, and I shuddered. I had no idea what sick things he would do to punish my characters once he got them back. I knew that retrieving them was my responsibility, for their safety.

And for mine.


	6. In Which A New Writer Is Chosen

_**Scene opens on the interior of a Volkswagen T1 Microbus, which looks like it was catapulted straight from the seventies. We're talking bright red velour, orange carpeted flooring, and the smell of old sweat and Coty's Wild Musk. Pack that in with eight teenagers and you've got a wild old time. Terra is driving, Kairi is directing, and everyone else is stuck in the back, where the seats have been repositioned so that they sit perpendicular to the driver instead of parallel. Everyone in the back is face to face, with all the musical supplies shoved at the center. Leon strums on his guitar hero guitar while Olette scribbles down plans and Pence looks up possible locations for the bus to take up next. **_

**Pence: **Though Austin has a burgeoning music scene I think we should stick with the basics, like LA, Nashville, New York City, Seattle, Portland...

**Riku: **If we stick with the same places we'll never get anywhere. We've got to spread our boundaries.

**Olette: **Though I hate to say it, Riku is right. We won't get anywhere visiting those places. _**(Beat) **_And by the way, I've been researching places we can go for more information on this fan fiction thing.

**Leon: **Not again...

**Hayner: **Olette, we're not in the Matrix. Give it a rest.

**Kairi: **You know, for a while I was getting really into the self-aware thing, like thinking we were in a fan fiction. But now I'm not so sure...

**Olette: **Why not?

**Kairi: **Because we all have our own lives. We've had these lives since the day we were born, which was eighteen years ago for most of us. We joined real life organizations, like Disney, Square Enix, Square... and to say that someone wrote these lives for us is just so... selfish!

**Hayner: **Wait, selfish of _us_?

**Kairi: **No, selfish of the supposed author!

**Terra: **Kairi, what's the next turnoff? We're coming on 75.

**Kairi: **You don't take the exit until we get to 114. Parker road, Terra.

**Terra: **Right, thanks. You can philosophize now.

**Kairi: **Thanks. Anyway, the only reason we began thinking we were all 'characters' in some freak's story was when Leon started talking to us about Xiao from San Fransisco.

**Leon: **It was Xing Li from Los Angeles. Don't you remember the sharks and jets story?

**Hayner: **Leon, that story is fake.

**Leon: **No it's not! A trust worthy official told that story to me!

**Hayner: **Well that trust worthy official was a liar! _**(Beat)**_The first time I heard your story I knew there was something nostalgic about it. Right before we left I figured out why. It's from _West Side Story_. It's a Broadway musical about rival gangs in New York, based off _Romeo and Juliet_. The sharks and jets weren't from LA. They were from Manhattan. And Xing wasn't a part of them.

_**At this new information the whole party falls silent as Leon is jilted from his guitar playing. In slight pity the rest of the party looks down at the fake instrument and realizes that they may have entertained the thoughts of a crazy man. But in defiance Leon shuts his mouth and continues to strum the plastic grey painted ridges across the guitar's center, that act as its strings. **_

**Hayner: **Leon. Dude, it's okay to admit defeat. We understand that you wanted to make a good story out of the Voldemort thing, but the time has passed.

**Leon: **Don't say his name, dude.

**Hayner: **I'll say his name all I damn please!

**Pence: **Hayner, calm down dude.

**Riku: **Do I need to break out the Indy?

**Olette: **No way.

**Riku: **suit yourself. _**(While Riku prepares to smoke out the window, Leon and Hayner have a stare down. Leon is unusually silent though, and the party recognizes it. The outburst from Hayner has woken up Roxas, who was asleep until now.)**_

**Roxas: **What's the matter, guys?

**Hayner: **Leon's been caught in a lie and won't admit it.

**Leon: **I'm not a liar.

**Hayner: **You're a fucking baby. And a liar.

**Leon: **A baby I can take. But a liar. Fuck. No.

**Terra: **Guys, just stop.

**Kairi: **Yeah, this is ridiculous.

**Leon: **_**(to Hayner) **_Call me liar one more time.

**Hayner: **You want me to call you a liar? _**(Leon pauses before giving a grim nod. Then he sets his plastic guitar to the side) **_Fine. You. Are. A. Big. Fat. Liar.

_**For a moment Leon stares at Hayner. Then, he grits his teeth and lunges at the blond haired boy, knocking him into the back wall of the microbus and watching as he falls between two amps. Once Hayner finds he is lodged in this unfortunate space, he calls for help, and Leon lunges at him again, catching him in the cheek with his fist before three people pull him away. While Riku tries to get one more drag out of his Indy, Olette and Roxas pull Leon back into his seat while Pence attempts to heave Hayner out from between the amps.**_

_**In the front seat Terra roars to the back of the car for everyone to shut up and Kairi starts screaming about 'why this always happens when different minded people get together' in between chiding Riku for sitting on the side and not helping. To this, Riku fires back a smart remark and Kairi throws her shoe at him. For some reason this sets off a chain reaction and the back of the microbus embroils itself in a massive fight, rocking the car back and forth until Terra is forced to pull in at the side of the road. When he does, he commands everyone to step out of the car. Then, he trudges beside Riku and takes a drag of his Indy before stomping it into the ground. Riku looks on in shock but does not say anything. Everyone stands in a grim line.**_

**Terra: **Are you guys nuts? I could have crashed the damn microbus!

**Kairi: **Maybe if Riku had have pulled his weight Hayner wouldn't have gotten a punch in in the first place-

**Hayner: **Well maybe if Leon had have told the truth in the first place-

**Leon: **Well maybe if people didn't always think I was such an idiot-

**Roxas: **Maybe if we weren't all being recast except for that asshole Axel-

**Terra: **Oh my gosh can we all just SHUT THE FUCK UP! _**(To this, everyone quiets down and stares at Terra, while Olette rubs her eyes) **_I'm tired too, guys! I can't deal with all of your shit!

**Olette: **Maybe I shouldn't have made us leave so soon. It seems like a lot of us have unresolved issues with each other. _**(To Kairi) **_My main concern though, is how much you hate Riku. Did he do anything to you besides allegedly touching your boob? _**(Beat) **_

**Kairi: **No.

**Olette: **Then what's the problem?

**Kairi: **Being a side character... you wouldn't understand, Olette.

**Olette: **_**(sarcastic) **_Well that wasn't uncalled for!

**Terra: **Let's not start _another _fight.

**Kairi: **I didn't mean to be mean... I just... fuck. I guess I should say it. _**(All gather round and sit cross-legged so they can immerse themselves in the story.)**_

When I did the Peter Pan adaptation I was seven years old. After that I didn't get another role till I was thirteen. That was the Cyndi Lauper thing. But anyway... Because Riku did a Disney show with Sora, they were already good friends, and they had a really strong fan base going into _Kingdom Hearts_. I didn't. _**(Beat) **_It's hard to make it in this industry, especially when you give your all, only to be glared at by fans when you try to take pictures with your more popular male costars. You guys had it so easy...

**Roxas: **Shit Kairi, I hear you. But I always thought I was pretty popular. More popular than Axel, anyway...

**Terra: **Well we all know that Roxas is bitter as hell... but man, Kairi. I never knew you were hurting that bad.

**Kairi: **It's not just that. For guys in the entertainment industry is a cakewalk. I mean there's a lot less guys going into it than girls in the first place. But secondly, the attractiveness of a female star is gauged a lot more harshly than guys. _**(Beat- to Riku) **_And you being as good-looking as you are makes you a lot more valuable than me.

**Riku: **That's just not true, Kairi! _**(Beat) **_I don't know, maybe being a guy has made things easier for me. But the fact is, my previous show with Sora _didn'_t have a great fan base. I mean, we did well, but Square Enix wasn't looking for massive stars when they cast us. They wanted normal kids. Well, as normal as they could come by under the circumstances. _Kingdom Hearts_ was our breakout role.

**Kairi: **Well your Disney show didn't tank in the theaters.

**Terra: **Are you talking about _Peter Pan _or _True Colors?_

**Kairi: **What do you think Terra?

**Terra: **Well I always knew Cyndi was an underdog. But to say that her biography _tanked _in the cinemas is harsh at best.

**Kairi: **Well, it's the truth. _**(To Riku) **_And I also felt like you made Sora hate me.

**Pence: **Here's where things get hairy...

**Riku: **What the hell is that supposed to mean?

**Kairi: **When we first met at the pre filming cast party, you told me that Sora would be a handful. But in _Kingdom Hearts_ I had great scenes with him. It was only _Kingdom Hearts II_ that things got awkward. I felt like in between you talked to him about me.

**Riku: **Why would I of all people want Sora to hate you? I take my work just as seriously as anyone else.

**Kairi: **I thought you were jealous of me being able to make friends with him.

**Riku: **Shit, Kairi. Sora is a piece of crap. I hated his guts ever since we were stuck in close quarters 24/7 for _Bros Over Hoagies. _The thing with Sora is he's great for the first couple of weeks. It's like the cycle of abusive relationships. _**(Riku indicates the cycle with his hands) **_First there was the honeymoon period, where we were best buds. Then there was the tension period, where I could feel things were getting antsy. Then there was the blowup, where he'd have a tantrum. I shut that shit down pretty quick. But that only made him more unbearable. After that he was just permanently pissy.

**Pence: **You know, I always thought that your turn as villain in the first Kingdom Hearts was astonishing acting. Now I know that it was just catharsis.

**Riku: **Yeah, cathetersis, that's the word. _**(To Kairi) **_But Kairi, I don't think you were around him long enough to see his true colors until we read Ansem's play together. By then he was ready to start a fit at any second.

**Hayner: **Is that why he took his clothes off?

**Riku: **Yeah, sometimes he strips when he's angry. It was pretty jarring the first time. _**(To Kairi) **_But I didn't say anything to him about you. I just warned you because I didn't want him being an asshole to you. I'm sorry.

**Kairi: **Well... no, you shouldn't be sorry... I mean, if you were just looking out for me that's... pretty fine.

**Leon: **did no one else catch that one accidental pun?

**Olette: **which brings us to our next point of business. _**(Points to Leon) **_I want to know exactly where you got your fan fiction information.

**Leon: **who, _me_?

**Olette: **yes, you. I want to visit them.

**Leon: **well that's going to be kind of hard.

**Olette: **Why would it be hard?

**Leon:** Well...

**Terra: **Just spit it out, Leon. We should get on the road again.

**Leon: **You can't get to him by any road. It's a specific location you have to infiltrate.

**Olette: **I want to infiltrate it.

**Leon: **I don't know if we could all go in at the same time... I mean it just makes me feel uncomfortable.

**Hayner: **Oh my gosh... _**(Hayner exchanges a look with Leon while Olette inches between the two to stop them from fighting. Then she turns back to Leon)**_

**Olette: **Leon, I want you to know that I trust you this time.

**Hayner: **Why the hell would that matter?

**Kairi: **Hayner, shut up.

**Olette: **Take us where we need to go, Leon.

_**For a minute Leon is hesitant. He even clutches the throat of his jacket he's so nervous. Sweating would be an understatement of the amount of moisture leaking from the sides of his face and the bridge of his nose. But once the wild determination he has always known returns to his irises, he opens his mouth to speak. Behind the party, the crunch of steel toed boots on gravel resounds, making everyone gasp and turn around at the same time. **_

**Scary Voice: **And where would you be taking your friends, Leon?

**Leon: **Who the fuck are you?

_**Behind Leon Pence gives a gasp and points straight at the figure the voice is coming from. His eyes widen in realization. **_

**Pence: **You... you're J.G. Jopling... from Grand Budapest Hotel! You're Willem Dafoe!

**Scary Voice: **I'm afraid you have it wrong. My name is Wilhelm DaFuk.

**Leon: **the fuck?

**Wilhelm: **DaFuk.

**Pence: **Did you say the fuck?

**Wilhelm: **No, DaFuk.

**Leon: **Stop copying us, fucker!

**Wilhelm: **ENOUGH! _**(Gasps circle the party as Wilhelm draws a revolver from his pocket and points it at Leon's head) **_You know too much.

**Kairi: **Holy shit!

**Wilhelm: **For fun I will count to three. Then I will shoot you. _**(the revolver clicks) **_One. Two...

_**While Wilhelm was counting, Olette was deeply thinking through everything she had ever heard Leon say, every clue that pointed to the fictionality of the universe she lived in. And when her belief rose to immeasurable heights in those few brief moments of hope, Olette raised her head. Now she looks on Wilhelm with bravery.**_

**Olette: **STOP! _**(With narrowed eyes Wilhelm moves the gun and aims for Olette. In return Olette points to Wilhelm's weapon) **_I am the writer, and what I say goes.

At this very moment, Wilhelm DaFuk realized that his gun had not been loaded. He is frozen in fear.

_**(Wilhelm's finger pulls the trigger, but no bullets come forth. In confusion he looks in the firearm cylinder and gasps as he realizes there are no cartridges. Fearful, he freezes. The rest of the party looks on in befuddlement)**_

**Kairi: **What just happened?

**Terra: **_**(turns to Riku) **_I want to know what's in that Indy right now.

**Olette: **There's no time to check the Indy! We've got to run! I never specified a time that he'd stay frozen. _**(Beat) **_Well don't just stand there, guys, scramble!

_**(In a frenzy everyone returns to the microbus and charges inside, leaving DaFuk in the dust as they fire away down the highway. As they ride, Leon speaks. Several moments pass. DaFuk's eyelids twitch first, then the muscles of his arms, until his whole body shakes and relaxes. With a sigh he peers into the distance and takes a cellphone from his pocket. Dialing, he waits for the ringtone to fall away)**_

**Wilhelm: **Xing? _**(Beat) **_Yeah, they're gone. They know my name, not much else. _**(Beat) **_Of course they don't know my _real _name. But they do have a new writer. _**(Beat) **_There's only one place they can run next, and if they get there before me I'll need backup. _**(Beat) **_You could always call... _him_. _**(Beat) **_Of course, Xing.

_**(Wilhelm ends the communication. Then, distributing the cellphone to his pocket, he rips a seam in the fabric of the universe and slips through. The road is empty again)**_


End file.
